Sunday, 9 October 2016

LYRICS #3

Sunday, 9 October 2016
I've looked at Phil's feedback and Julien's notes and have written another draft. I don't believe this is the final version, as it does need some more feedback and tweaking.

On my own I’m the invisible woman
I’m the girl that all see through
It’s almost as if I am glass
By myself I am unseen, it’s true

Day after day I had wondered
Will I ever be adored?
How I longed to see into my stars
And find out what future I’d forge

So shall I be her?
Shall I be the siren of the stars?
The goddess of allure
The Queen of couture
Shall I be that girl on the silver screen?
Shall I be her?

I thought I was dead
Turns out I’m alive
I can see brighter days
Ahead in the Milky Way’s sky

I can now hold my head high
In the knowledge I’ve won
I’ve reached incredibly heights
I’m a star larger than the sun

So shall I be her?
Is a question answered
I’ve found myself at last
Lost in a space so vast
At last I’m seen and I’m heard
Shall I be her?

Fear had me trapped in and enslaved for so long
For I had no idea of what treasures lie beyond
Lack of love and of faith had kept me in the ground
But now I’m a girl knows how to outstand
I’m the star with a thousand faces on the platinum screen
Oh yes I’m this galaxy’s very own Queen!

So I shall be her!
That’s now what I say
No need to ask any other way
I’m my very own diamant√©
Can’t you see that today is my day?
I shall be her!

1 comment:

  1. Hey! Wouldn't normally share me feedback on here but I might as well communicate my first impressions after reading this.
    On a side note, and I don't mean to say what you've done isn't valid, but I'm uncertain whether writing the whole song in one go is the best tactic. We're better off nailing a chorus first for example, and then, together, articulate the rest of the song around it. However:
    1) I think we really need to be obvious and bold with the referecing to real B movies - we can, for example, even make use of actual titles to create sentences around them. That's where the fun will come from and how the audience can get more involved with it. (Things like 'Queen of couture' therefore look a bit out of place in here)
    2) I'm not really feeling a sense of 'psychological' progression throughout this song. Right now she seems to have already reached her goal after the first chorus, whereas it'd make more sense to me at least to have her go through some trials/building up/pick-yourself-up moment in the middle - a key turning point of some sort (ie. Mulan using her wits to climb the pole thing).
    3) Still not too sure why she'd be linked to glass... As we've got a sci-fi and celebrity theme going on, I'm sure we can find something more appropriate if you don't mind. :)
    4) We're lacking a slightly more pessimistic moment in the song - something I feel we really need to make her arc less '2D' and also resonate with the Monroe phenomenon.

    So far to me, that's what refrains the lyrics from being truly dynamic. That being said, thank you for having another go at this, and 'attacking' it in one go :)

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